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A CHRONICLE OF SHAME - CHAPTER 6 - THE CRIME

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There is no one, no one whom I have loved as much as my brother. He was the first love of my life, and certainly the most significant, although I did not try to replace him later, when I began, in my early twenties, to have, laboriously, with difficulty, a love and sexual life. There was no substitute for this brother in my life, quite the contrary, my one-night stands were nothing like him, neither in manner nor taste. He got married and became more distant from me than ever; he had his normal life, which he enjoyed; our parents were proud of him; I saw him at Christmas, but otherwise he didn't care about me for years, without any brotherly bond. I got used to a clandestine life that slowly, very slowly, took up space and importance and which gave me, for several years, the happy impression that I no longer had a past, no longer had a family, that I was starting a new life that promised to be successful - brilliant university studies, a fantastic career ahead of me. Sometimes I no...
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A CHRONICLE OF SHAME - Chapter 5 - Big Illusison

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There was a moment, in analysis, when I became aware of the reality of the unconscious. Not through a theoretical explanation, of course; moreover, I followed Peraldi's advice relatively well, “ not to read books on psychoanalysis ” to avoid constructing a ready-made explanation that would not be my story, the only one capable of a liberating function, and “ it must be said here, in this room ”, in his home, where his armchair and the sofa were almost the only furniture. I was first of all fascinated to discover this reality, and to grasp the extent to which what was hidden, ignored, repressed until total amnesia was nevertheless what made me move, react, ask, fear; that deep down there was an essential effervescence that was revealed without my knowing it in what attracted or frightened me, in what had constrained my body and formulated my sexuality, in what had pushed me since childhood towards an infinite variety of morbid or downright deadly behaviors. I discovered the unconsci...
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